There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

 

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Julie’s computer quit working so she called the tech guy. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the computer, leave the bill on the table, and I’ll mail you a cheque.”

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Tommy. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”

“I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Julie’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled,”Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Tommy!”

 

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A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. “Your money or your life!” says the mugger. “I’m sorry,” the social worker answers, “I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life.”

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The MBA guy and the Engineer are camped in the desert, set up their tent, and fell asleep. Some hours later, The MBA wakes his friend.

“Look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

The friend replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” asks the MBA.

The Engineer guy ponders for a minute.

“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

The MBA guy is silent for a moment, then speaks, “You idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

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When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered “Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat.” The man moaned but didn’t budge.

?”Sir,” the usher said more loudly, “if you don’t move, I’ll have to call the manager.” The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.

The cop looked at the reclining man and said, “All right, what’s your name, joker?” “Joe”, he mumbled. “And where are you from, Joe?” Joe responds painfully, “The balcony!”

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A lady goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. “So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?”

The lady counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying “Ehhhh .. 22!”.

The interviewer looks at her a little puzzled and then tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”.

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces “Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. “And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your nameplease?”
The lady bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying “Mandy!”.

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, “Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?”

“Ohh that!”, she replies, “That’s just me running through, ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….’ .”

 

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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft?music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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