One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, “Look at that dead bird!”
Someone looked up at the sky and, said : “Where???”

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, “There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,” or “That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Joe said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Again Joe replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they`re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and the power went out and Joe didn`t get the rest of the instructions.He turned to Joan, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?”
Joan replied, “Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today.”

Three buddies are sitting around talking one day when they begin to discuss what they would like their friends and families to say about them as they`re laying in their caskets at their funerals.
The first man says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second man says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say… LOOK!! HE`S MOVING!!!”

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 300 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.
At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the manager, “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”
The manager answered, “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.”

The young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn`t even believe there`s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we`ll show him how wrong he is.”

Why One Should Never Visit a Five Star Hotel…
Question: What would you like to have… Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
Answer: Tea please.

Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea.

Question: How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer: White

Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?
Answer: With milk.

Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk
Answer: With cow milk please.

Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: Um, I’ll take it black.

Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: With sugar.

Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: Cane sugar.

Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.

Question: Mineral water or still water?
Answer: Mineral water.

Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I’ll rather die of thirst.

A college student writes to his parents…
Dear Mom and Dad,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another two hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son,
Johnnie.
P.S. -? I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.
A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,
“Your prayers were answered. Your letter never arrived!”

A Captain asked a sailor, “Where did your father die?”
“He drowned at sea.”
“And your grandfather?”
“At sea too.”
“Aren?t you afraid of the sea?”
The sailor retorted, “Sir, where did your father die?”
“In bed.”
“And your grandfather?”
“In bed too.”
“Sir, aren?t you afraid to go to bed every night where your father and grandfather died?”

Recently I answered the phone and it was a sales person from a long distance company. They asked for my late father by name.
“I`m sorry,” I answered, “but he`s dead.”
Their reply, “May I leave a number in case the situation changes?”