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A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down. They tried everything but it still wouldn’t work. Finally they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant. He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly the computer leapt back to life. Two days later the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1,000.
Immediately he called the consultant and exclaimed, “One thousand dollars for fixing that computer?! You were only here five minutes! I want the bill itemized!”
The next day the new bill arrived. It read,
Tapping computer with hammer: $1
Knowing where to tap: $999

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.? “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second man, “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

There was a man that wanted to get a job. The problem was he couldn’t speak much English. The owner decided to give him an English test, “give me a sentence with pink, green and yellow.”
So, he said “I walked into my office and my phone went green green, so I pinked it up and said yellow.”

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
‘I need someone with an accounting degree,’ the man said. ‘But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.’
‘Excuse me?’ the accountant said.
‘I worry about a lot of things,’ the man said. ‘But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.’
‘I see,’ the accountant said. ‘And how much does the job pay?’
‘I’ll start you at eighty thousand.’
‘Eighty thousand dollars!’ the accountant exclaimed. ‘How can such a small business afford a sum like that?’
‘That,’ the owner said, ‘is your first worry.’

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.
“This Indian is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks. Finally, the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said, “Radio is broken.”

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.”
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, ‘Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!’

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation.
“This is marvelous,” said the journalist, “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”
The Kuwaiti women replied, “Land mines.”

An Economist opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!” he whined. “You Economist’s are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer. “You are so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh my God,” replied the Economist, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. “Where’s my Rolex?!?”

? (Got any jokes or real life anecdotes of your own to share. Email them to editor@themag.in This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it )