Rob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said, ‘I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”Why, thank you, Dear!’ she replied.

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above
‘You will live to be 100.’
She looked around and didn’t see anyone. Again she heard ‘You will live to be 100.’
Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I’ve got 40 more years to live!
So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.
When she left the plastic surgeon’s office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.
She said to God ‘You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?’
God said: ‘I didn’t recognize you’

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, ‘I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!’
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.’
Watson replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’
‘What does that tell you?’
Watson ponders for a minute.’ Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?’
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks,’ Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.’

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.
‘How big is your spread?’ , asked the American. ‘Well look you, it’s about 20 acres he said’ . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I’ll be lucky to cover half my farm’. ‘Dew dew’ , said the Welshman, ‘I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.

Three Engineers are riding in a car: an Electrical engineer, a Chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics suggests, ‘Let’s strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred.’The chemical Engineer, not knowing much about electronics suggests, ‘Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system.’ The Microsoft engineer suggests, ‘Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work.’