A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said ‘WHERE AM I?’ in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said ‘YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
‘I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.’
?Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
‘The day before I die, I’d like to sell every piece we’ve got just to see how much it’s all worth.’
‘But you couldn’t possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it?’
‘Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!’
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
‘I’m not quite sure it’s a duck,’ he said, ‘I think that I will have to get a second opinion.’ And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. ‘I’ll have to do some more investigations,’ he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey’s identity.
‘Now, I know it’s a duck, but does it know it’s a duck?’ The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon’s weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
‘Go see if that was a duck, will you?’
A group of attorneys had to measure the height of a flag pole for evidence to support a lawsuit. They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure. They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure, the whole thing was just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurements to one of the attorneys and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs, ‘Isn’t that just like an engineer. We’re looking for the height, and he gives us the length’
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. ‘No woman,’ said one man, scornfully, ‘can keep a secret.’
‘I don’t know about that,’ answered a woman guest. ‘I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.’
‘You’ll let it out some day,’ the man insisted.
‘I hardly think so!’ responded the lady. ‘When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.’
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached ten minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only twenty minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures… and I couldn’t stop talking!
The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma forseveral months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?’
‘What dear?’ She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I think you’re bad luck.’
The cruise ship magician has been doing his routines every night for two years now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn?t have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there is a parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night.
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Finally the parrot figures out how the tricks are done and starts giving it away for the audience. When the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks, ‘Behind his back! It?s behind his back!’ This infuriates the magician, but he can’t just kill the parrot because it belongs to the captain.
One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. Low and behold, the parrot is sitting on the other end. They just stare at each other as they drift and drift. They drift for three days and still don?t speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: ‘OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?’
Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward their end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera.
‘Hey, wait a minute,’ one of her companions said. ‘You have to be in the picture too.’
When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, ‘Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn’t come out?’
‘Oh, no, that’s okay,’ she chirped innocently. ‘I always get double prints.’
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, ‘Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?’
The guard replies, ‘They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.’
‘That’s an awfully exact number,’ says the tourist. ‘How do you know their age so precisely?’
The guard answers, ‘Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.’
(If you have any jokes of your own , or any funny anecdotes from real life, that you want to share on here, feel free to leave a comment, or email them to editor@themag.in)
