Sign seen on the In the window of a general store:

"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

When a father came home he was astonished to see Ron sitting on the dog, writing something.

" What on earth are you doing on the dog ?" he asked.

"Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm here and that's why Nancy is sitting on the goldfish bowl !"

A preacher was completing his sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river too."Saying that he sat down.

Then, the song leader stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

"Isn't the principal a fool!" said the boy to the girl.

"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl, a bit angry.

"No." replied the boy.

"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

"No," she replied.

"Thank goodness!" said the boy, with a sigh of relief.

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I want to make a will but I don't know  how to go about it."

The lawyer said in a confident tone, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked a little upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave some thing for my children too!"

A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. Then, he said,"If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all of it."

The woman, who, by this time, was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

The boss had a speech at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a wiity, 15 minute speech. When the boss returned from the the event, he  called his employee and started yelling at him.

"What was the meaning of writing me an hour-long speech?" he asked. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee said, "I wrote you a 20-minute speech …I also gave you the two extra copies that you asked for."

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women asks the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The girls lift their glasses, and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they down their drinks.

Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days? Have you been friends for 51 days?"

Then one of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"