Being in a romantic mood, a husband tells his wife: " How I'd love to find myself in a place where I've never been! And it would be equally marvellous to do something totally new, something I have never done before!"
"Darling," the wife replies, " Why don't you go into the kitchen and do the dishes?"

"My mother worries too much," complained the teenager,"One cough and she thinks it's bronchitis; a headache and she is sure it is brain tumour; one little lie and she thinks I'm destined for politics."

A doctor went on a ski trip and got lost on the hill slopes. He stamped out "HELP" in the snow, but nobody could read his writing.

 On New Year's Eve, a woman called a noisy bar to attention  and said that at the stroke of midnight she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.In the resulting rush of everyone wanting to be next to the barman, he was almost trampled to death.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey John, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's very nice of you," John answered, "but I don't think my father would like that."

"Oh, come on boy," the farmer insisted.
 "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but my father won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know father is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile, "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon!" said the boy.

John got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!" the wife said.
"Tell me about it. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…"

Did you hear about the new French tank?
It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

Little Johnny: Would you punish me for some thing I didn’t do?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my home work.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, I deduce that it is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”