The MAG » Movie Review http://themag.in A Magazine for All Generations Fri, 30 Jul 2010 02:52:22 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 en hourly 1 Inception – A Movie of Your Dreams! http://themag.in/2010/07/inception-a-movie-of-your-dreams/ http://themag.in/2010/07/inception-a-movie-of-your-dreams/#comments Mon, 19 Jul 2010 04:00:23 +0000 Vivek Singh http://themag.in/?p=1213

Have you ever had a dream which bothered you for a long time? Or have you ever had a dream which you have remembered forever? Or, while you were asleep, have you ever had a dream due to which you did a certain thing in your real life?

This is the very theme of Christopher Nolan’s movie, Inception. The movie is the story of Dom Cobb played by DiCaprio who is a thief, but he doesn’t steal material things – he steals secrets from people’s mind by entering their dreams. He is hired by a business tycoon Saito, played by Ken Watanabe, for the ultimate job. Saito doesn’t want to steal a secret instead he wants to Cobb to plant an idea into the mind of his archrival Robert Fischer’s mind played by Cillian Murphy.

Cobb cannot go back to his own country because the police are looking for him as they think he killed his wife Mal played by Marion Cotilard. Everytime Cobb is in someone’s dream Mal turns up in the dream projected by his own subconscious mind and tries to ruin his plans. So when Saito promises Cobb a safe passage back home to his kids he can’t resist even if it involves the great risk of going into multiple levels of dreams.

Aided by his trusted friend Arthur, played by Gordon-Levitt, Cobb assembles a team of the best “dream architects” – Ariadne (played by Ellen Page), who can create and maintain the balance of the dream world, and a forger who can shift his identity inside a dream (played by Hardy).

Nolan’s narrative is simple. In spite of the theme being so complex it doesn’t confuse the audience. The first half is spent in explaining in detail what Cobb’s job is, and in the second half the job is carried out.  All the actors play their part well. To rate this movie would be blasphemous. If Avatar left you in awe, wait till you watch Inception.

The movie is like a huge puzzle which the audience starts to solve from the moment the screen lights up. The movie challenges your intelligence. As DiCaprio and gang jump from one level of dream to another, the audience participates and enjoys the puzzle. Scenes like the one where Arthur fights security guards in anti gravity in his dream is so well shot that you might just start feeling as if you are a part of that dream.

In the end the movie makes you think what if such a concept can become a reality. It would be a scary world. But then isn’t this already a reality. From the day we are born there are people who are trying to plant ideas into our head. The marketers are trying to plant the idea of purchasing their products into our heads or the politicians trying to plant the idea that they are the leaders; no wonder the world has already become a scary place. And what about me? Even I am trying to plant an idea into your head to go watch the movie.

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]]> http://themag.in/2010/07/inception-a-movie-of-your-dreams/feed/ 3 Kites – A Review! http://themag.in/2010/05/kites-a-review/ http://themag.in/2010/05/kites-a-review/#comments Fri, 21 May 2010 12:40:46 +0000 Rahul Sarin http://themag.in/?p=1143

The phone rang and I knew who it was. I couldn’t pick up because I was taking a shower but I knew what the person at the other end wanted to tell me. They had bought the tickets for Kites and the movie was to start in another 10 minutes. I’m one of those guys who need at least an hour to get ready. Not because I’m particular about how I look but I’m just too damn lazy. So, there I was, breaking away from my routine and pushing myself so that I could make it in time for the movie.

I ended up being 5 minutes late. I entered and saw Hrithik flirting with Kangana Ranaut. I gathered from my friend that I hadn’t missed much. J (Hrithik Roshan) is a young, handsome guy who marries women (illegal immigrants) so they can get citizenship. He lies with ease and is looking for an easy way out of his impoverished life. Enter Bob (Kabir Bedi). Bob is your typical rich, arrogant man who runs a shady business and has the entire government machinery in his pocket. He runs a casino, is filthy rich and his family is as eccentric as he is. Tony (Nick Brown) and Gina (Kangana Ranaut) are Bob’s kids.

Since I entered the theatre late, I don’t really know how but J manages to successfully woo Gina and they are ready to tie the knot. Now is the perfect time for J to get friendly with Gina’s family. Tony, Gina’s brother is the villain in the movie. His level of eccentricity is slightly greater than his dad’s. He’s smug, rich and a brat. His idea of fun is to step down from his chauffeur driven car, shoot some poor fellow and walk away like a badass! He makes it look so simple that I’m considering this as an alternative to Facebook to pass my time. Natasha a.k.a. Linda (Barbara Mori) is Toni’s fiancée. The first time J looks at her is when he is diving in the sea. She swims past him, completely captivating him. The next second, she does a P.C. Sorkar and vanishes into thin air!

A few minutes later, it’s revealed that Natasha is one of the 11 illegal immigrants J had married. This is so casually shown that you could miss it even if you had your eyes glued to the screen. Tony treats Natasha like doggie poo, and she is with him for the money. When she was a kid, her dad passed away and now she has to support her family. And yeah, when J was little, he lost his mother. Sad, right? It was somewhere here that I realised that 130 minutes of my life were going to go waste. So, I exited and decided to grab some popcorn. When I returned, the movie was still where I’d left it. Hrithik and Barbara were dancing in the rain. Oh my, How romantic.

Kids! It’s time to put your thinking hats on and imagine the rest of the story. I swear it isn’t much of a challenge.

“They run away together and Tony goes on a rampage throughout the nation hunting them down”, you ask? Bingo! You’re right!

“Hrithik and Barbara rob banks, outrun police cruisers in pick-up trucks, jump onto hot air balloons from running cars, dodge sticky situations with ease and destroy more than two dozen police cars single-handedly”, you ask? Booyah! You nailed it!

“Barbara drives her car over the edge of a cliff and Hrithik returns to that place after killing everyone and jumps to his death”, you ask again? Time to hand over the certificate of appreciation to all of you… You got another one right!

If you’ve read till here you must have realised that I’ve basically let the cat out of the bag. This review is one hell of a spoiler! That’s because I don’t want you to spoil your mood and waste your time watching something which you can easily avoid. Although, if you relish cheap copies of Rajnikant flicks, then this is the film for you.

If it were the days of “Khoon Bhari Maang“, I might have still given Kabir Bedi a pat on the back. But Bedi does not miss this opportunity and delivers yet another outlandish performance. There is no real reason for this character to even exist in the movie. Nick Brown as Tony is somewhat convincing as the retarded brat but the character is too loud. Kangana Ranaut hardly speaks. She does a P.C. Sorkar too, towards the end. I’ll let you discover this yourself if you watch Kites. Barbara Mori has a beautiful smile and does act to some extent. Her dialogues are mostly in Spanish and there are subtitles for majority of the movie. However, I believe the makers of the movie realised that by the time the movie reaches its climax, the audience wouldn’t care a bit if Barbara spoke in Spanish or Urdu. So, it’s pretty frustrating when you see Barbara yap in Spanish with no subtitles to help you decipher what’s going on. Hrithik needs to lose his silly “Raj Uncle” accent from Yaadein (anybody remember that?). He’s acted well but it’s not something extraordinary.

Overall, I’d give Kites a score of 2/5. The two points are for the camera work and some visually stunning scenes. The story is a dud and the performances are lousy. Give it a miss. I wish I had. Spending my time in the shower would have definitely been better than watching Kites.

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]]> http://themag.in/2010/05/kites-a-review/feed/ 4 Road, Movie! http://themag.in/2010/03/road-movie/ http://themag.in/2010/03/road-movie/#comments Sun, 14 Mar 2010 09:13:45 +0000 Aniruddha http://themag.in/?p=1074

If you are not into offbeat films, you may want to give this movie review a pass.

I have always been a fan of Abhay Deol, and look forward to his films. Maybe that’s because his movies can be harsh, in an in-your-face kind of way, and can also be very close to reality at other times. Dev D and Oye Lucky, Lucky Oye are two of his movies I’m referring to here. It was after these movies were released that I started following his movies. But, I digress… back to the movie review.

Road, Movie is based on a journey taken by Vishnu (Abhay Deol).

During his journey Vishnu goes through different emotions. At times he is having fun, at times he lusts. Vishnu learns that he should share, goes through a phase of feeling hopeless, and displays quick thinking through the course of the movie. Every dialogue in the movie is meaningful, and it takes a while to get to the deeper meaning of each sentence. Vishnu’s dad runs a small business of selling hair oil. This hair oil would become a key life saving element for Vishnu towards the end of the movie. Vishnu gets hold of an old Chevrolet Truck which contains all the equipments necessary for screening a movie. He does not intend to show movies to people, but circumstances force him to.

There are some breathtaking shots in the movie, shot in Rajasthan. Every scene looks so well composed, and aesthetically superb. Innovative camera angles and locations made me feel I was watching a movie of international standards. So, not surprisingly, the movie has been nominated for many awards. The slow pace, with excellent dialogue interspersed with patches of silence in between, and lots of things unsaid and left for the viewer to imagine just adds to that extra element of creativity.

The background score is awesome, and with not much song and dance the director has ensured that the focus is not lost. The movie touches upon various social issues like the water problem, the law and order situation, and the way women are living in the deserts of India. Like I said, the movie just touches upon these issues and these do not form the central theme, as Vishnu tries to complete his journey of 6 days.

Abhay Deol has been very well supported by Satish Kaushik, and Tannishtha chatterjee. There is also a child actor in the movie, Mohammed Faizal Usmani, who is brilliant. I have always seen Satish Kaushik doing comedy roles, and hence the role of a burly mechanic, wearing filthy clothes, and being serious, was refreshing to see. It was the first time that I was watching Tannishtha and I liked how she played the role of a Rajasthani widow. She can actually act and it is about time that our directors started using such actresses.

Road, Movie is an off beat movie that is a superb combination of creativity and acting at its best. Thank you Dev Benegal.

Rating: 4/5

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]]> http://themag.in/2010/03/road-movie/feed/ 0 Atithi Tum Kab Jaoge! http://themag.in/2010/03/atithi-tum-kab-jaoge/ http://themag.in/2010/03/atithi-tum-kab-jaoge/#comments Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:34:28 +0000 Aniruddha http://themag.in/?p=1068

After a hectic week it was time to relax on the weekend, and what better way than to watch a comedy. Well that is what I was expecting the movie to be. To my disappointment, this was a badly done cocktail and, to my horror, a sheer waste of some real good actors.

The movie starts with Ajay Devgan, who happens to be a film writer, narrating a movie story. A joke lifted from a Pakistani play, which I just wished they had lifted completely, than just do a rehash. There are a few scenes of Konkona Sen too, but I felt her acting talent was grossly underutilized. Maybe, the makers didn’t have enough confidence in her comic skills?

Enter Paresh Rawal who has been playing the role of an old, pot bellied comic character since Hera Pheri. Filmmakers need to get creative now – we are bored watching the same character again and again, with only the movie names changed. There is a parody of a bhajan which I feel was the only high point in the movie – very well done and enjoyed by the audiences.

All the jokes dry up even before the interval. In fact, Paresh Rawal farting around in the movie repeatedly isn’t funny all the time. By this time, however, the movie has a good base to make the audience expect a decent second half.

But, never before have I seen someone commit a sin of combining comedy with tragedy. Hang on, I think the last time I saw Jaspal Bhatti do just the opposite -  he, however, was successful in making a comedy even though he tried his best to make tragedy. So, it was a real shoddy job of trying to end a decent comedy movie with a really sick tragic plot.

I’m still waiting to watch a decent comedy movie, however for those who still plan to watch this movie, my suggestion is to leave the movie hall after the first half.

Rating: 2/5

Images: From the Internet

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]]> http://themag.in/2010/03/atithi-tum-kab-jaoge/feed/ 0 Old Dogs- A Review! http://themag.in/2010/02/old-dogs-a-review/ http://themag.in/2010/02/old-dogs-a-review/#comments Mon, 22 Feb 2010 08:21:11 +0000 Aniruddha http://themag.in/?p=1054

What happens when you have two seasoned actors of Hollywood – Robin Williams and John Travolta – getting together in one movie?  You  would think that even with a very ordinary script, the movie would be high on entertainment, and your money would be well spent.

Well, not really. This movie is a disappointment;  the director, Walt Becker, has just wasted two great and very professional actors.  The story is weak, and the only saving grace in the movie are a few funny moments that barely help the movie to drag along. It is a relief that the movie does not stretch beyond the scheduled hour and a half mark, or else sitting through the movie would be unbearable.

The movie is about how Dan (Robin Williams) and Charlie (John Travolta) find themselves getting into trouble of having to manage two kids.  If that sounds familiar, you are right. The script is a near rehash of Three men and a baby from 1987. Dan meets his long divorced wife one fine day, and discovers that since she has to serve a prison sentence, he needs to take care of his kids, which he never even knew existed. Dan’s boy Zach (Conner Rayburn) has a list of activities which he always wanted his dad to do for him. Dan and Charlie go about trying to fulfill these wishes, even though a little reluctantly at first. These activities lead to some funny scenes, and that is what the movie is all about.

Frankly this movie is nothing but a huge disaster for the fans of Robin Williams and John Travolta. For me, it would have been better to sit back at home and relax, than rush from office to catch this one.

Rating : 2/5

Images: From the Internet

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]]> http://themag.in/2010/02/old-dogs-a-review/feed/ 0 Rann – Or, Was it Run? http://themag.in/2010/02/rann-or-was-it-run/ http://themag.in/2010/02/rann-or-was-it-run/#comments Tue, 02 Feb 2010 07:19:50 +0000 Aniruddha http://themag.in/?p=1012

RannEven after another fantastic performance by our very own Big-B, and some good support by seasoned actors around him, this movie fails to impress. The movie has great cinematography, but a weak and predictable story line which just does not help the movie much.

I had a lot of expectations from the movie after watching the promos, and that just added to the disappointment. Choosing to watch Amitabh Bachchan in Rann, over Ishqiya, proved to be a wrong decision it seems. The movie could have been better with a stronger story line. The actors have done their bit, but this movie can be a classic example of what can happen when even though your actors perform well, you don’t have a good story to tell – the movie just seems ordinary.

The movie tries to expose the dark side of the News Channels in India, however, at times, the examples given become a bit boring. There is a section in the movie where Ritesh Deshmukh who is working with Amitabh Bachchan’s News Channel tries to investigate a story on his own; the whole investigation sequence I thought could have been handled better, but for the weak story. At another point in the movie, Amitabh, who is portrayed as someone who stands by his values and is disciplined when it comes to journalism, does not even bother to verify authenticity of a story and breaks the news to his viewers. There are many such instances where it seems the writer has not worked hard enough; the screenplay too therefore does not do justice to the movie. It seems like a complete patchwork knitted together without someone having looked at the complete package that was being delivered to the audience.

The closed camera angles and the color tone used were impressive. Rajpal Yadav’s performance in a serious yet comic role was a relief. Amitabh Bachchan’s performance was great, but that seems to be given these days, he’s a gem and I admire his acting. I was most impressed however by Sudeep. He has left a mark in the movie, and it seems he means business when it comes to acting. Riteish Deshmukh is very ordinary, and to me he seems fit to be doing only comedy roles.

I would suggest you wait till the movie gets released on one of the movie channels, and then you can enjoy it at home.

Rating : 2.5/5

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]]> http://themag.in/2010/02/rann-or-was-it-run/feed/ 0 Avatar – Cinema Re-incarnated! http://themag.in/2009/12/avatar-cinema-re-incarnated/ http://themag.in/2009/12/avatar-cinema-re-incarnated/#comments Mon, 21 Dec 2009 06:02:31 +0000 Shredder http://themag.in/?p=940

Director/Writer: James Cameron

Actors: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Stephen Lang

A tweet review would be – “A visual and aesthetic treat. This marks the beginning of an era. Cameroon has done it yet again.”

Right from my cousin who’s in primary school, to my friend in college, to my NRI uncle, absolutely everyone has been mesmerized by this masterpiece. This has to be one of the very few movies that has lived up to its hype and has actually delivered more than it promised.

The Plot:
Firstly, we have a US Govt. commissioned space mission to the planet Pandora, in search of the mineral ‘unobtanium’ (loved the name) which is precious and can solve the energy crisis on planet earth. Then we have the locals of Pandora, the Na’vi people, a tribe of ten-foot tall blue skinned, pony-tailed humanoids. Then we have the paraplegic war veteran, Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) who is brought in place of his scientist twin brother who dies before the mission. Then we have a person’s “avatar”, a body made by combining the genes of the person with the native Na’vi genes. These avatars are controlled by their owners, who are in an unconscious state in a lab in the human base station. The purpose of developing avatars is to form a better connection with the natives, and persuade them to move from their traditional land to make way for mining. Lastly, we have the military forces led by Colonel Miles (Stephen Lang) who thinks that war is the only way to handle the situation in Pandora.

Jake being an ex-marine, initially tries to straddle two boats at the same time – being loyal to the military as well as the scientist camps. But as he mixes with the natives and understands their affinity towards the ‘Home tree’ (the center of their existence), he takes the side of the natives in this unfair and unjust battle. His falling in love with the king’s daughter only hastens the process of the increase in his affinity for the natives. Jake takes it on himself to save the Na’vi race from the human onslaught and that shapes up as the epic Na’vi versus humans battle in the climax.

The Positives:
All the lead actors have done justice to their roles, but a special mention must be made of Sigourney Weaver who plays the lead scientist, and Zoe Saldana who plays the warrior princess (and is Jake’s love interest as well).

Each scene is picturesque. The level of detail in each frame is astonishing, setting very high precedents for the movies that use CG henceforth. The first half is breathtakingly beautiful, where you cannot but observe each and every intricate detail in Pandora’s landscape.

The subtle references made to the US attacks on Afghanistan and Iraq hit bull’s eye each time around. The tone in the dialogue when the colonel says “We’ll fight terror with terror” is so similar to the many speeches given out by Rumsfeld, Powell and Bush.

The Negatives:
A very predictable plot, nothing novel in it. But as some critics have said, there have to be some things that shouldn’t be experimented with in an experimental big budget movie like this, and Cameroon chose not to tamper much with the storyline.

Some of the characters are not well-rounded off. It is these characters that could have given much more depth to the wafer-thin storyline.

All in all, it’s a must-watch. It’s Cameroon’s gift to the world of cinema, and boy what a gift this one is. Go book your tickets for the next show and join the ‘Avatar’ fan club.

(Have you watched the movie yet? What are your thoughts on the movie?)

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]]> http://themag.in/2009/12/avatar-cinema-re-incarnated/feed/ 2 Rocket Singh – Takes off! http://themag.in/2009/12/rocket-singh-takes-off/ http://themag.in/2009/12/rocket-singh-takes-off/#comments Sat, 12 Dec 2009 11:39:46 +0000 Shawn Lewis http://themag.in/?p=908

RocketSinghKnock Knock! who’s there? Loser. Loser Who?
Well I’m sure you know who I’m referring to!

With playing a loser of different losses in all of his movies, Ranbir Kapoor does it one more time in Rocket Singh – Salesman Of The Year, and somehow he manages to find a way to make this new loser look better than the others he has portrayed in the past.

Rocket Singh – Salesman of the Year is an off the wall, yet another coming of age, movie which revolves around the life of Harpreet Singh Bedi (Ranbir Kapoor) and his zest to become a salesman – a salesman, not the kind who assists you at a retail counter but the kind who goes knock knock, from one door to another. With no percentage to boast off (37 % with grace marks), or money to apply for a private MBA, H Singh uses the most essential talent a salesman could ask for – his knack of talking anyone into buying anything. Getting employed as a salesman to sell computers, after failing to sell a pencil at his interview, Singh then finds himself on the path from zero to hero through the course of the movie.

The movie thrives on the writing skills of Jaideep Sahni, whose off beat movies (Bunty Aur Babli, Khosla Ka Ghosla, etc.) have worked well with the audience before, and have raked in the moolah at the box-office. The writing skills have, however, been supplemented with some good all round acting skills by the cast, and able direction by Shimit Amin.

Shimit Amin has an impressive resume with credits in the editing and sound department for many Hollywood movies. In Bollywood he is better known as the director of the 2007 blockbuster ‘Chak De! India’ (also written by Jaideep Sahni), and the RGV produced movie ‘Ab Tak Chhappan‘ (2005). Amin flawlessly executes the story, and his understanding of the other aspects of movie making is evident in his treatment of Rocket Singh – Salesman of the Year. The characterisations and peculiarities of everyday office humor is cleverly exploited. There are no tangents or sub-plots in the movie, and that keeps the viewers focused on one straight plot, which is kept crisp and comic till the very end.

Shazahn Padamsee looks composed in her debut, and does a good job with the small role that she has as the lead actress. Gauhar Khan, who gets more screen time than Padamsee, brings an edge to the male driven office politics depicted in the movie. Yesteryears bad man, Prem Chopra, is noticeable as a God fearing and honest grandfather.

The no-song movie gets a pleasant feel, however, thanks to the upbeat music of Salim-Sulaiman.

In the end Rocket Singh lets you walk out with absolutely nothing to take back, which makes it more approachable and plays to its advantage. An honest movie.

Ranbir Kapoor, who by now has become an expert in playing such roles, doesn’t leave any room for disappointment and adds another feather to his hat.  Long Live The Loser!

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]]> http://themag.in/2009/12/rocket-singh-takes-off/feed/ 3 Paa – Haaa Haaa! http://themag.in/2009/12/paa-haaa-haaa/ http://themag.in/2009/12/paa-haaa-haaa/#comments Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:43:12 +0000 Shawn Lewis http://themag.in/?p=894

PaaA friend asked me, “If Amitabh Bachchan was to die in the movie, would you cry?”

“No Way” was my prompt reply as, it seemed to me then,  she had challenged my masculinity.

As much as I had assumed my givens for the movie, I knew that it would take a mesmerising performance from the characters to bring out a a few sniffs from me, and so at a houseful show I sat down intently to watch what Paa had to offer.

‘PAA – A very rare father-son son-father story’ portrays the lead character Auro (Amitabh Bachchan) as suffering from an extremely rare and severe genetic disorder called ‘Progeria’. The probability of occurrence of Progeria is one in eight million at live births. Progeria is a disorder where the aspects of ageing of the individual are manifested rapidly from an early age. Auro, a kid aged 12, looking like a man in his 70’s and 80’s, has a maximum of an year at hand to survive due to the accelerated genetic mutation that causes his physical condition to be like that of a man in his 70’s and 80’s too

Auro’s ageing in the movie, however, hasn’t been exploited to the extent it could have been, and is no match to the much hyped comparison with Benjamin Button (played by the extremely talented Brad Pitt) in last year’s Oscar winning movie “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button”, and the ageing is just clichéd by a dwarfed Auro in a song.

Amitabh Bachchan does manage to do a convincing job of playing a 12 year old from the resources he could garner from his own production house. The prosthetic make up by Christien Tinsley and Dominie Till are Momentarily convincing, as there aren’t many variations or expressions to offer. Writer and Director R. Balki is courageous and tackles a tough topic in only his second outing as a director (his first was Cheeni Kum, also with Amitabh Bachchan).

The story though could have done away with additional footage given to the character of Amol Arte (Abhishek Bachchan) who looks a spitting image of Sachin Pilot (Member of Parliament). Abhishek is rather downplayed by the unwanted tangent of new age politics. Vidya Balan (Vidhya Kumari) is brilliantly cast, and styled as a doctor and mother of Auro. She delivers a good performance.

Music Director Ilaiyaraaja boringly uses the same piece of symphony throughout the movie, with the lyrics of Swanand Kirkire coming as a welcome relief. The movie is definitely worth a watch, even if it is just for the efforts that has been put in by the crew in bringing a fairly informational piece to the audience. The second half of the movie is painstakingly elongated by the crying and dying all over.

At the end of the movie, I did manage to hold on to my masculinity but I can’t say the same for the 20 something guy, who cried through the last 15 minutes on his girlfriend’s shoulder.

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]]> http://themag.in/2009/12/paa-haaa-haaa/feed/ 3 London Dreams – Not so Dreamy!!! http://themag.in/2009/11/london-dreams-not-so-dreamy/ http://themag.in/2009/11/london-dreams-not-so-dreamy/#comments Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:19:16 +0000 Puneet http://themag.in/?p=836

LondonDreamsI won’t mince words here. Watching Vipul Shah’s London Dreams should be legitimized as a form of torture by the folks at correctional services. That’s how bad it was. No, really.

Let me tell you the story before I get back to ripping it apart. It revolves around two childhood friends, Arjun (Ajay Devgan) and Manu (Salman Khan), living somewhere in the fields of Punjab. Music runs in both their families, but is cherished only in Manu’s, who couldn’t care less about it. Arjun, on the other hand, has the stereotypical Bollywood dreams of becoming “Maayi ka Laal Jaikishan,” but of course, his family is dead against it. Why, you ask? Oh, because many years ago, his folk-singer grandfather had been invited to sing in London, and could not perform because of stage fright and then killed himself over it. No, I did not just make that up. That’s the story. Apparently, stage fright is reason enough for you to commit suicide.

Anyway, so after his father’s sudden and inexplicable death, Arjun leaves Punjab to go to London with his uncle. Of course, as soon as he reaches Heathrow, he runs away from his uncle (his last familial obstacle on his path to musical success) and magically survives on the street of London all by himself. Sorry, not magically. He plays the flute. And enrolls himself in the City College of Music by handing over a bag of pennies. And grows up. And forms a band with sidekicks Zoheb (Rannvijay Singh) and Wasim (Aditya Roy Kapur). Just when you start thinking that there are way too many men out there for this to be a true Bollywood movie, along comes pretty, pretty Priya (Asin), who Arjun instantly falls for. A Bharatnatyam dancer in front of Appa and hip-hop dancer behind his back, Priya quickly becomes a dancer for the band. Oh, and they call themselves London Dreams.

But no, the band isn’t complete yet. Its fifth member is – surprise surprise – Manu, who unfortunately for him, is still rotting away in the fields of Bhatinda, and accruing debt on his ISD calls to Arjun, which he makes at a nauseous frequency. Manu lies about getting married, gets Arjun to come visit him, Arjun hears him sing, pays off all his debt and invites him to London to join the band. That’s when the trouble starts. You see, Arjun is the one with The Sapna (Dream), but Bhagwaan gave Manu all The Hunar (Talent). And eventually, The Ladki (Girl). Tsk tsk. What follows is a series of events that could very well be likened to a shady saas-bahu serial, where one woman is devilishly plotting away against the innocent other. Except that these are men we are dealing with here.

The film was just wrong on so many levels. Think about the casting. I’m sorry, but a clip-on earring does not make Ajay Devgan a convincing rockstar. Far from it. Devgan is far too old, serious and intense an actor to sit well in a rockstar-ish mould, which is why, he gets tolerable once he dons The Evil Hat in the second half. His maturity carried him through some very poorly written and insultingly predictable dialogues. Asin, on the other hand, was a total waste, at least in the first half, where all she did was look pretty, dance provocatively and pretentiously smirk at Manu’s village-boyness. She doesn’t get to cry till the very end, which is surprising for a cheesy Bollywood flick. The saving grace? Salman Khan. He seemed to be the only close-to-appropriate choice the casting director made.

Khan gave the film its few humorous moments (although if the rest of the movie is any standard, then I must I have a poor sense of humour). His character stood out from the rest, partly due to the way it was scripted and partly due to Khan’s performance. He seemed to have the hang of how to be a dumb, innocent, full-of-love Punjabi village boy whose life seems to irritatingly center on his friendship with Arjun. And to be honest, at least till the interval, that’s the only relationship that seems real, especially in contrast to the Priya-Arjun duo, who seemed to have become thick in about 10 milliseconds. One minute, they’ve just met. The next, he’s in love with her. Yeah, right.

Oh, and let me not forget the music. I am the biggest fan of the Bollywood way of doing things, where every movie is sprinkled with songs that vary in terms of emotion and style. But London Dream’s music was hard to sit through. Considering that the movie is about music (think Rock On), you would expect that they’d at least get that part right. But nope, the Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy trio grandly disappoint. Their music fails to inspire, fails to make you dance, fails to make you cry, heck, even fails to plain entertain. It does, however, make you want to press the forward button.

The movie’s greatest failure, and probably this is what it all boils down to, is that it is as unconvincing as it can get. You’re left there asking yourself, “But wait, how did that happen? I thought he/she was (fill in with appropriate detail)” after every second scene. You hope that the movie will explain something somehow, and you wait. Only to be disappointed. Not only are you left high and dry, you also have to deal with the tiring predictability of the details you are provided.

A movie that could have been a tolerable depiction of ambition, jealousy and friendship, is reduced to an insult to your intelligence, thanks to how run-of-the-mill and badly made it is. London Dreams is nothing but a vomit of stereotypes that fails to convince or entertain. It does, however, irritate you enough for you to be able to write a scathing, venomous review, which is useful in its own way, I guess. Take my advice: avoid this film like the plague; do something better with your 2.5 hours and the hundred-odd rupees you’ll spend watching it. You’ll thank me later on.

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