Three FASTEST means of Communication :

1. Tele-Phone

2. Tele-Vision

3. Tell to Woman

Need a still FASTER mean – Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE.

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek. Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count upto 100 and then start searching for the others..

Everyone starts hiding except Newton.

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein. Einstein's counting 1,2,3…97,98,99…100.  He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing right in front of him. Einstein says "Newton's out…Newton's out…"

Newton denies it and says, "I am not out and I am not Newton."

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton. Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1 m squared which makes me Newton per meter squared, and since one Newton per meter square is a Pascal, I'm Pascal, therefore Pascal is OUT."

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone.He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?"

The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

"Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now," replied the boy.

The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.

The little boy found more perseverance, and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North Palm beach, Florida."

Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.

The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said, "Son, I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."

The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance with the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to!"

Smoke a Cigar daily – You will die 10 years early.

Love Someone Truly – You will die daily.

A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :

Before Marriage – Drink whenever you are SAD

After Marriage – Drink whenever you are HAPPY

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man.

"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems!"

BOTTOM LINE: Just imagine the plight of the management guys who are basically engineers…

A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that one side of his parked car is rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he reads it. Written on  the paper is:

About a dozen people are watching me as I am writing this. They think I'm penning down my name, phone number, and insurance company. But I'm not…

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude, where would you be joining me?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."  

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes." 

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!"

 After church on Sunday morning, Little Johnny suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us," his mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," Little Johnny replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the birdie?"

His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven."

Then the boy asked, '"And God threw him back down?"

 A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day.

After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the …. mailman.