Sign seen on the In the window of a general store:

"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

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When a father came home he was astonished to see Ron sitting on the dog, writing something.

" What on earth are you doing on the dog ?" he asked.

"Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm here and that's why Nancy is sitting on the goldfish bowl !"

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A preacher was completing his sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river too."Saying that he sat down.

Then, the song leader stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

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"Isn't the principal a fool!" said the boy to the girl.

"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl, a bit angry.

"No." replied the boy.

"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

"No," she replied.

"Thank goodness!" said the boy, with a sigh of relief.

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A man went to his lawyer and said, "I want to make a will but I don't know  how to go about it."

The lawyer said in a confident tone, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked a little upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave some thing for my children too!"

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A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. Then, he said,"If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all of it."

The woman, who, by this time, was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

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The boss had a speech at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a wiity, 15 minute speech. When the boss returned from the the event, he  called his employee and started yelling at him.

"What was the meaning of writing me an hour-long speech?" he asked. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee said, "I wrote you a 20-minute speech …I also gave you the two extra copies that you asked for."

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A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women asks the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The girls lift their glasses, and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they down their drinks.

Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days? Have you been friends for 51 days?"

Then one of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

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A guy called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard. The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police told him that all units were busy, and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.

The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds, and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."

In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.

"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.

"I thought you said no one was available," he replied.

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 A large software company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to get rid of all the slackers. On a tour of the office campus, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.  The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't ever come back."  Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Deliver pizzas from Domino's."

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I was sitting in the waiting room of my new dentist. It was my first appointment. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which had his full name.

Suddenly, I recalled a tall, dark haired, handsome boy with the same name who had been in my class nearly 35 years ago. Could this be the same boy I had a secret crush on, way back then?

When I saw him, however, I quickly discarded that thought. This gray haired, balding man with the deeply wrinkled face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm! Or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Hilly Vale High School.

"Yes, I did!" he said.

"What year did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1965," he said. "Why do you ask?"

"I was in your class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, wrinkled, old, fat, bald, gray, decrepit SOB asked, "What did you teach?"

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A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying-out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!!?"

The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?"

"No", replied the weeping man. "Her first husband!"

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Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? 

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say …  Look, He's Moving!

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A judge asks the trooper,"trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
"Yes," the trooper replied.

"Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
"Yes, sir."
"What did she say?"
" What disco am I at?"

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A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was chase a cat out that had got in.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shot back in. So, the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting the taxi driver to know that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry it took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

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