A man asks the doctor, " After I become better, will I be able to play the guitar"
"Sure, Why not?" says the doctor.
"That's great! I could never play one before."

John, the miser, was on his death bed.
"Is my wife here?"he asked.
"Yes, I'm here, right next to you," she answered.
"And the kids?"
"We are here, father," one of the kids said.
"Is the rest of the family here too?"
"Around your bed," his wife assured him.
At that john sits up  and yells, " Then why is the kitchen light on?"

One day, a woman named Jennifer had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"

God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She thought since she had another 30 to 40 years to live, she might as well make the most of it.

Later, as she walked out of the hospital lobby, she was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Jennifer!!!! I didn't recognize you!"

 A man climbs to the top of Mt. Everest to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord…

"God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

 "Can I have a penny?" the man asks.

"Sure!" The Lord replies, "In a minute." 

A cowboy rides up to a bar on his horse. He goes in, orders a drink, then leaves. His horse is gone. He goes back to the bar, and asks, "Where's my horse?"

No one replies. So he says, "I'll order one more drink, and if, by then, my horse isn't outside, I'll have to do what I did in Texas, and I don't like doing that."

So, the locals hurry around, and when he leaves, his horse is outside.

As the stranger gets on his horse, the bartender asks, "What did you do in Texas?"

To which the cowboy replies, "I had to walk home."  

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband, and a great school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say …  Look, He's Moving!"

 A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip one onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A Sardar ji reports for his university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. He takes his  seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes he is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him, and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," he replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."